Experiment (with two conclusions)

Summary: After being called an experiment by one of his peers, Spock contemplates how he came to be.

Rating: PG

Author: Mila

“You are an experiment.”

The sentence had clung to him, resounded in his ears, for the remainder of his classes. It was still with him on his way home. He had thought he had left all... unpleasantness behind after they had passed their kahs-wan. The physical violence had ceased immediately, with the verbal abuse following shortly after.

He had made the best time during his desert survival, 7.01 days. No one in his class had even come close to that. Soon after that his academic superiority had become more defined as well, and with the success had come a new calm, a serenity that he had felt at knowing where he belonged.

If he couldn't brag about his popularity with his classmates, at least he had become accepted, respected even, for his abilities. He had started to think that the Vulcan children's behaviour had not been so outrageous, after all. He had to admit, he had been overly emotional. Once his rude behaviour had ceased, the others had responded in kind.

Today, however... Every time he thought of it, tried to analyse the arguments, his mind recoiled from the memory. There was an emotion involved, of course, even if he couldn't put a name on it. The emotions caused by that admission were easier to identify. Guilt, shame, frustration, had been his constant companions as long as he could remember.

He stopped walking and began breathing exercises to centre himself. Once he had blocked out his emotions reasonably well, he turned back to his current problem. Leaving the road, he found a rock to sit down. He had to resolve this before going home.

It was only an assumption on his part that Sepek had said that to hurt him, even if he had done so before. That had been before his kahs-wan, and he may very well have changed since then. A stubborn part of him refused this reasoning, insisting that Sepek's look had been one of satisfaction at having accomplished what he had set out to do.

Still, that was not what bothered him. He no longer cared about what Sepek thought of him, but just because he had wanted to hurt him (even if he really had wanted to hurt him, Spock's logical part rephrased), that didn't mean his arguments were not logical, or the conclusion wrong.

As far as he knew, he was the only Human-Vulcan hybrid. His parents had never told him about it, but he had heard rumours about his creation. They had apparently engaged the best scientists, and some of those had received prizes for their work on him. That did not bode well.

This was not the main problem, however. He had known of that for a long time now. He was different, special. And even if the doctors had considered him an experiment, that did not make him one. His parents had simply wanted a child. Right?

Sepek had said... Yes, he had to return to Sepek's argument, piece it together, reduce it to a chain of cause and effect, and analyse at each step whether the implications had been made logically.

Humans and Vulcans had been in close contact for 325 Vulcan years (175 Terran years), and many close personal ties had developed. It was a private matter, of course, but it had never been said that his parents were the only Human-Vulcan couple. In fact, there were rumours... But he remained the only hybrid.

Sepek claimed that that would remain so. First of all, he could not have children naturally, and it would be illogical to create them the same way he himself had been created.

At this point he had been extremely uncomfortable with the topic of discussion, yet he had not been able to stop Sepek. It would not do to admit to an emotion, besides which, he had found Sepek's argument rather intriguing.

It was illogical for a hybrid to have children, since they had to be created artificially like one of their parents. Allowing the first generation hybrid to procreate would make it impossible not to allow the same for the second generation and so on. Unless hybrids became a reproductively isolated entity, this would result in a higher number of hybrids in each generation. Continuing in this fashion for a sufficient amount of time would lead to a society that had lost the ability to procreate naturally. This, Spock had to admit, could not be logical.

Considering the argument, he found one flaw. Sepek assumed that Spock couldn't have children naturally. As queasy as the topic made him, Spock considered his own fertility. His parents had never said a word about it, but he knew enough about genetics to know that either it was impossible altogether or Sepek was right.

He had both Human and Vulcan DNA, and what had made it impossible for his genes to combine naturally would make it equally impossible to pass on his genes as they were. He had heard of experiments allowing otherwise sterile hybrids to procreate with one of the parent species, but in those cases the passed on DNA was rewritten to be that of the chosen parent species, and the resulting offspring was no longer hybrid.

At this stage in his life Spock was not unduly disturbed by the thought, only by the implication that he was the only hybrid and would remain so, unless, he really was an experiment and it would be decided on his example whether or not to create more like him.

His intelligence was considerably higher than the average, he was as strong as a full Vulcan, could withstand both heat and coldness, and he was immune to most illnesses that either Humans or Vulcans were immune to. This didn't bode well either. If his parents had only been interested in having a child, wouldn't they have tried to make him as normal as possible?

Besides, genetic modifications were forbidden on Humans and extremely difficult on Vulcans. Had they found a way to circumvent both these problems with him? And most importantly: who was ‘they’? His parents... Why had they created him? And what did they think of him now?

No matter how much one knew about other people's accounts of their relationships with their parents, one could never really say what life with another family was like. In the end, one only knew one's own parents. So how was Spock to judge if he was treated like other children?

He still had to see doctors from time to time, who scanned him and measured him in every possible way, and then some. His father always insisted it was for his benefit, but Spock had never seen any of that. He was very healthy, and nothing the doctors did seemed to be aimed at improving his health, anyway. They were running experiments on him, it was as simple as that. Why had it been so difficult to admit it? His mother had made a few careful comments that made it obvious she thought so, too.

There was that other matter with his parents. When directly addressing him, they always put up a unified front, but as soon as they talked to him separately they only managed to confuse him.

There was the kahs-wan, for example. His father had wanted him to pass it, to not be found inferior to Vulcan children and taking him aside one day had advised him to forget about the phaser he would be given and only rely on his knowledge. Bringing Spock's self-trial as an example he had explained to him how he could have avoided the le-matya and also pointed out how little help the phaser would have been had I-Chaya not saved him. He had not even seemed to notice how much the reference to his beloved dead pet had hurt his son.

The day before the kahs-wan, his mother had also taken him aside and made him promise that he would have the phaser in his hands at all times and that if there was any danger, any danger at all, as she had said, he would not hesitate to use it.

They were like this all the time, pulling him in opposite directions. He could think of a thousand examples. The bonding had been like that, too. He had passed his kahs-wan, that allowed him to choose for himself, and it had been his decision. His father had been undeniably pleased that he had agreed to it. His mother had been an entirely different matter. She had insisted that it wouldn't work, that it was bound to fail in the future because he was different.

Spock stood up, agitated. He didn't want to draw any more conclusions. There really was only one thing to do. He would have to ask his parents. The thought almost made him stop in his tracks, but he concentrated and successfully managed to rein in his fear.

Spock entered his home, greeted by the all too familiar surroundings. He realized how good it had felt to feel that he belonged here, that he was wanted and welcomed without any doubts. Now he found he was questioning everything, every interaction with his parents, the way they greeted him; the way they acted with him and with each other during the meal. He knew his mother would notice he was off balance. She always did way too easily for his comfort. His father on the other hand didn't seem to know what he was thinking half the time, which he found oddly reassuring. Sarek was logical, everything he said was logical. He would answer his questions in his usual straightforward fashion.

Right after the meal, his father went to the meditation room and Spock followed him. But instead of lighting the candles as he usually did, he turned to Sarek. “Father, before the meditation, may I ask you a question?”

Sarek raised an eyebrow at the formal question and his son's serious voice. “Of course.”

Spock focused his eyes on the opposite wall, steadied his voice and took in a slow breath. “I am the only Human-Vulcan hybrid. As such was I of scientific interest?”

“Certainly. Many accomplished scientists have shown interest in your make-up over the years.”

“Then it can be said that I was a successful experiment?”

“Indeed.” So that is what this was all about, Sarek thought. Now that Spock was slowly turning into a teenager, Amanda had warned him that he might have an identity crisis, out of a Human need to affirm the importance of his own existence. Satisfied with how well he had handled the situation, Sarek turned back to his meditation.

Spock did so, as well, but found himself unable to concentrate. He sat there for a while, his thoughts in jumbles. He desperately needed to meditate, but found it impossible to do so. After a while he decided solitude might help. He stood up silently, to avoid disturbing his father, and left the room. He opened the entrance door to the house. There was a light breeze outside. He decided to take a walk.

*~*~*

Amanda stretched her arms over her head and gave a rather undignified yawn. She might be exhausted, but at least her preparations for the next day's lessons were finished. She decided to go find Spock. He had seemed quiet during the meal, more so than usual, but he had gone off to meditate with his father, and they always took so long.

First she went to Spock's room. He was not there. Then she went to the living room and found it deserted. She began to search him in earnest, but he seemed to have disappeared. A little worried now, she went looking for Sarek, who was working in his office, as expected. “Sarek, do you know where Spock is? I can't find him anywhere.”

Sarek looked up at her. “Inside the house, I presume. It is late; there is nowhere else for him to be at this time.”

“Well, he's not.”

“Did you look for him everywhere?”

“Of course, I even looked in the garden.”

“Maybe you were not careful and missed him?”

“What is he, a needle to get lost between the tiles?! I'm telling you he's not here!”

“Amanda, calm down. I am certain –“

“Oh, I can't calm down. I should have known something was wrong. He was acting so weird after school.”

“Ah, that. No... that was –“

“You know something?”

“He was curious about how he was created. More specifically –“

“Created?!”

“Yes. He seems to relish the fact that his existence is of scientific interest. It is a fascinating way of –“

“Scientific – Oh, Sarek, that doesn't sound good. What did he say exactly?”

Sarek hesitated a moment, hearing the apprehension in his wife's voice. “He asked me if he can be considered a successful experiment. I said yes. It was as you –“

“Oh, no. Oh, Sarek…” She almost added “How could you?” but the confused look on his face stopped her.

“My wife, I do not understand. You told me he would seek reassurance for his own importance, and he did. While the concept is somewhat foreign to me, I did understand his reasoning. Scientists from different worlds have come to Vulcan solely to learn more about him. The mere importance of his existence to the scientific world is undeniable. It is quite logical –“

“Oh, Sarek, that's not what he wanted to hear. What he wanted to hear is that –“ She stopped herself again. “That we love him,” she didn't say.

Sarek was quite puzzled. In fact, he had no idea what was going on. “I would have contradicted you, had Spock not disappeared. His questions were clearly stated and implied. But as it is, you will have to explain to me where I made a mistake.” As so often before, Sarek was troubled by his lack of understanding of Spock's thought processes. In some respects the boy was so human, yet he acted almost completely Vulcan. Amanda, who should have been more difficult to understand, usually made more sense. She simply told him how to respond to her emotions, to minimize their impact, which in itself was quite logical, if the alternative of emotion suppression was not possible.

“I'll try to, later. But first, can you try to find him?” She looked up at him with hopeful, worried eyes.

Sarek almost sighed at that. Since Spock's successful kahs-wan his bond to his son was reduced to a dull sensation in the back of his head. Spock's link to Amanda had been weak from the beginning, too weak to support him. It had been such a strain on Sarek's mind and he had anticipated the kahs-wan and the lessening of the bond, but now...

He closed his eyes, his mind probing the connection to his son. There was a faint sense of agitation, of not peace, not well-being, and a vague sense of movement. “I believe he is south-west from the house, and coming back.” Seeing her knitted eyebrows, he added, “I cannot be more specific, I explained it to you more than once.”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

Sarek convinced Amanda with some difficulties that it would be better to wait, instead of trying to find one boy with no clear directions in the middle of the night and in the middle of the vast deserts surrounding their home from all directions. He would be difficult to find in the maze-like expanse of the landscape that could hide so many secrets, one rather ordinary-looking boy, who was anything but ordinary, at least to the two people keeping vigil inside the suddenly lifeless house.

It was almost an hour before they heard the door open. Amanda was at the entrance before Spock had moved in a single step and he found himself in a tight hug from his mother.

“Mother –“ he started to say, only to be let go and hurled inside. The next moment his mother was standing with her back to the now closed door, looking down at him. “Where were you?”

“I was out, taking a walk –“

“Taking a… Spock, what were you thinking, disappearing like that? You had me so worried. If you do that again I – I'll chop off your ears!”

Spock winced at that, and Amanda almost bit her tongue. She wasn't sure what made her say it. Years ago Spock had noticed that she was different all at once, and in his young head the round ears and the by Vulcans as rudeness seen emotionalism had combined in a rather strange way. He had asked her if her ears had been chopped off because she had been wicked. That first time, Amanda had found the idea hilarious, and had taken up on telling him she would chop off his ears whenever he misbehaved.

For a while she found it amusing that he reacted with such dread to the threat, putting his hands over his ears as soon as she said it. The more Vulcan he became, the less amusing she found his reaction, until she stopped saying it altogether.

They had decided to raise him on Vulcan, because he looked Vulcan and they had hoped he would find it easier to fit in. But with the passing years Amanda began to question that decision. Spock fit in too well for her comfort. In many ways he was like a full Vulcan, and his disregard for all things Human had made Amanda cry more than once.

His father was not helping matters, either. They had decided to let their son decide about his own life, but it was becoming obvious that Sarek was more than happy with his son being Vulcan.

“I... I needed –“

“Yes?”

Spock remained silent.

“What did you need?” Amanda prompted again.

“Your mother believes it has something to do with your questions this evening,” Sarek said, joining the conversation.

Trapped like that in the entrance, his mother in front of him, his father behind him, Spock crumbled. He looked down, his shoulders sagging. “Yes,” he said very quietly.

Amanda resisted the urge to hug him again. “Maybe we should go to the living room. I'll bring us some snacks and then we can talk.” She left for the kitchen, almost colliding with Spock when she turned back. He didn't say anything, just took some things from her and carried them to the living room. Amanda followed him.

Once they were all seated, Spock took a biscuit and began to eat. Amanda almost lost patience before he finally started to talk. “I had a discussion with Sepek today. He said I was an experiment. I did not believe him at first, but his arguments were quite convincing. I found the idea… The idea was …”

“Distressing?” Sarek supplied.

Spock nodded. Amanda felt her anger rising. Sepek again. It had taken her years to find out who Spock's tormentors had been. He had not been willing to tell her until it all seemed in the past and she had been forced to drop the issue. “Spock, you know better than anyone what a nasty little troll that boy is!”

“Amanda!” That came from Sarek, who even now did not approve of such language.

“Well, it's true. That boy's been trouble since the day he could walk. Spock, you can't possibly take what he says seriously!”

Spock looked down. “His motives have nothing to do with the validity of his arguments. I have noticeable advantages over the children my age. My intelligence is above average, as well as my health. I am –“

“Hey, aren't you forgetting something? Like for example that your parents are pretty smart, too? Your father is constantly on the news, you couldn't have missed that. And I'm not exactly stupid, either. You know, when I was your age –“

“I did not mean… I just wanted to point out...” Spock stopped, confused. He considered his arguments again. “I am the only Human-Vulcan hybrid. It is not surprising that people are curious about me. The doctors that I have to see from time to time certainly are, as well as... other people.”

“Other people?” Amanda asked.

“Yes. Some of my teachers, for example, have shown interest in how fast I can do calculations in my head, and how exact I can be, as well as in my physical endurance. But I wanted to ask if you... that is, if your motivation was curiosity as well.”

Amanda was too caught up in Spock's revelation about his treatment by his teachers to answer first, and Sarek said, “Yes, I was curious. I –“

Amanda shot her husband a glare. “Don't listen to him, Spock. Your father sometimes tries to make a joke, to indulge me. But all his jokes are awful, because he doesn't have a sense of humour.”

Conclusion 1:

Ignoring Sarek's raised eyebrows, she took a deep breath. This had gone far enough. “Spock, I know it's been so hard on you. And I question our decision to have you every time something like this happens. But please believe me that when we decided to have you, the only thing we wanted was to have a child. And if you weren't made the old-fashioned way, that doesn't mean that… that we consider you any less our child. We wanted you to resemble us as much as possible, but also be able to live a normal life. We thought you'd have a difficult enough time as it was, so if you are a little better adapted to life on Vulcan than a half-Human might have been – well, why not.”

Spock's eyes were still downcast. Amanda took a deep breath. Some things just couldn't be left unsaid, no matter Vulcan sensibilities. “And I love you. Never doubt that.” Spock shot her a quick surprised glance at that, then looked down again. Amanda looked at Sarek, willing him to do something.

“Maybe I should have been more specific. It is logical to wish for a child. I am a Vulcan and you are my son. As such, you are a part of me, connected to me. It is a fascinating experience to observe the formation and development of a personality. Curiosity is certainly an important part of it, regardless of how the child came to be.”

Spock seemed to have calmed down while listening to his parents. “Do you have any more questions?” Sarek asked.

Spock shook his head. “Not at the moment. I think I will go to my room now. Good night, Father. Mother.” With that he left.

“Your assessment of Spock's reasoning does seem to have been correct. His main concern was emotional.” Sarek turned to Amanda. His voice held the barest of disapprovals.

Amanda wondered if she looked as tired as she felt. “We never asked him if he wanted to face all that.”

“That is illogical. A child does not decide whether it wants to exist. The parents can be believed to make the correct choice.”

“But did we, Sarek? The prospects weren't exactly thrilling before, either. The only try in that direction –“

“Amanda, that was completely different. The Terran extremists only created that baby to aid in their propaganda. And even at that time it was known where they had made a mistake.”

“But we didn't know. We could never be sure something like that would not happen.”

“The only way to know for certain was to try.”

“To experiment.”

They stayed for a long time afterwards. Neither willing to break the silence, they sat there, thinking the things that only parents can know. Maybe things could have gone better if Spock had siblings. After people's initial reaction to Spock it had seemed cruel to expose another child to the same treatment. Then after the kahs-wan things had improved, and both had started making careful remarks in that direction. There would be no discussing that topic now, they both knew.

Conclusion 2:

Ignoring Sarek's raised eyebrows, she took a deep breath. This had gone far enough. It was time to clear things up. “Spock, uh... I don't think there's a better way to say it. We, uh... we made you the old-fashioned way.”

Spock looked at her, uncomprehending.

“You know, without doctors and scientists and all that. Just... us.” She tried to smile.

“You were quite the surprise,” Sarek supplied helpfully.

Slowly, realization dawned on Spock. His face turned an interesting shade of emerald, together with his ears and neck. For a moment there was utter silence in the room and no one dared to move. Then Spock violently shook his head. “That is impossible! It is universally known that I was created by scientists. I have heard some even won prizes. And then there are the doctors. You can deny as much as you want, but it is quite obvious that they are running experiments on me.”

“I know, darling. We couldn't stop them. Not entirely. There were so many people curious about you. And those scientists really did win those prizes by exploring why you exist. If it had been up to them, I suppose you would never leave the lab.”

Sarek took over the explanation. “We refused most intrusive experiments, to allow you as normal a life as possible. However, some tests were necessary. For example, it is unclear what medical treatment you will require for illnesses that affect Humans and Vulcans differently.”

While listening to his parents, Spock had calmed down again. Now he took another biscuit, chewing thoughtfully. “Then why all the rumours?”

Sarek took a deep breath. “To begin with, you are not the first Human-Vulcan hybrid. The first hybrid really was an experiment, created without the knowledge of her parents and for the sole purpose to demonstrate how…” Sarek stopped. There really was no good way of saying it.

“How wrong such a child would be?” Spock finished the thought.

Sarek nodded. “Yes. She was created with a defect that killed her a few months later.”

“The story caused quite a scandal, but it achieved its purpose,” Amanda said. “For decades people kept believing that Humans and Vulcans were incompatible. A few scientists knew that was not necessarily true, but they didn't care one way or another. And then you were born and we didn't know how people would react. We didn't say anything; those rumours came to be all on their own. For some reason people actually seemed to prefer that version, and we thought it safer to leave it that way.”

“Do you have any more questions?” Sarek asked.

Spock shook his head. “Not at the moment. I think I will go to my room now. Good night, Father. Mother.” With that he left.

His parents stayed for a long time afterwards. Neither willing to break the silence, they sat there, thinking the things that only parents can know. Maybe things could have gone better if Spock had siblings. After people's initial reaction to Spock it had seemed cruel to expose another child to the same treatment. Then after the kahs-wan things had improved, and both had started making careful remarks in that direction. There would be no discussing that topic now, they both knew.