Losing
One's Heart And Soul
Disclaimer: I do not own Star trek or any
of its many forms. TOS and its characters belong to the creator of the series
Gene Rodenberry. Corporations now
control what is left.
Summary : I never liked the way the book Sarek ended
Amanda's life. Sarek may have been
Vulcan but somehow I do not see him allowing his wife to die without him. This
is my version of it and it is dedicated to the Jane Wyatt who gave us the very
human Amanda Grayson.
{Thoughts/Telepathy}
By :FireStar
2006.22.10
Losing One's Heart And Soul
Sarek sat at her
bedside. He did something he had rarely done in life. Amanda felt him take her
hand in his. Not the simple but elegant two fingered touch of a bond-mate but a
full I am holding on to you touch of a human. Somehow this action told her more
then any other how close her time was.
She opened her blue eyes once more and looked into his striking green eyes that
showed his Vulcan Soul. The eyes that had first drawn her to
him. Eyes that were now as then so serious and
so all encompassing. Her mind drifted back…
Flashback Earth 75 years Earlier.
Amanda: "I believe that the Vulcan
people have much to teach us. While not
every technique they propose will be beneficial to human learning many can and
should be adapted. It is not wise to overlook their vast knowledge and
experience out of foolish pride."
Sarek had looked at her intently that night. His gaze had never left her and
she felt proud and pleased that he had found her arguments worthy and logical.
Sarek: "Miss. Grayson is
correct. Sometimes wisdom can come from an unexpected source."
She looked at her beloved face and knew he was feeling emotions. She had never
doubted he cared for her. Not in all their many years together had she doubted
his commitment to her or to them. Somehow she had never expected this. The raw
pain and fear he was trying to shield her from. Intellectually they had
both always know it would come to this. That she as a mere human would precede
him in death baring any unexpected accidents.
She closed her fingers around his fingers and held on. She flashed forward to a
time that she had felt such anguish and fear.
Amanda: "Doctor you have to save
him."
Doctor McCoy: "The ambassador needs
a delicate surgery Mrs. Sarek and blood.
Blood I do not have."
Amanda recalled the stark terror the fear she was about to lose half of her
soul. She remembered the hope when Spock had found a way and the anger when he
had insisted on taking command of the
She smiled briefly at the memory of the trick James Kirk and Leonard Mc Coy had
played on her duty bound son. She had often wondered if on some level he had
not known the truth.
She looked up at her mate's impassive face. Anyone looking in would see only
the stoic ambassador from Vulcan. He showed no emotion at all. Amanda however
could see he was forcing the tears away. That he was indeed suffering. Sarek
had not left her side in more then 26 hours. She had no doubt that he would not
leave. He was afraid she would cross over and he would not be there. That he
would miss her death even as they had both missed Spock's.
Flash back -
"I regret to inform you that your son Captain Spock has been killed in the
line of duty" The two officers had said.
Amanda remembered that blow. She had almost collapsed in agony. Both she and
Sarek had felt the Parental bond shred but until that moment she had hoped it
was some awful mistake. They had shared their son's death and clung to
each other. Once more Kirk and Mc Coy and the crew of the
Amanda was so very tired now as she looked at her beloveds face. She did not
wish to leave him but, her time was ending. She was saddened only because of
the grief he might suffer. Looking into his face she smiled. She did not want
his memories of her to be sad.
"I love you Sarek. Every moment of our lives has been a blessing. I would
not change a moment of the pain or the pleasure. I cherish our bond and if
there is an afterlife I will be waiting for you there."
His composure failed him and he fell to his knees beside her. Sarek buried his
face against his wife chest and held her. He shook with pain.
"Do not leave me. Please Amanda stay with me. I would trade my life for
one more hour. "
"Sarek I wish I could remain. My time is over beloved but I will always be
with you. I will be here." She said touching his head "I am in your
mind and memories. All that we shared will be there for you. I am also
here." She said touching his heart and here." Amanda reached out
and touched his Katra "In time you will find another but, do not feel
it is a betrayal. I would be sad to think of you alone."
"Never!" Sarek said almost shouting.
Amanda sighed "Promise me you will find a mate again. One day beloved we
will find each other again. Until then you must go on ... and your work, your
life is too hard to be alone. Swear it to me. My last request
of you my husband. Swear you will live on."
Sarek looked up and Amanda was shocked to see tears in his eyes. "How can
you ask this?"{Forgive me}
She stroked the tears away {The cause is sufficient my
husband and honors me.} "Because it would bring me
peace."
Even now Sarek could not believe Amanda's selfless, giving nature. He knew she
was asking this to guard his life. That she feared he would enter the Pon Far
unmated and let it take him. In truth he had planned to do just that. Somehow,
she had sensed his intent and was forcing him to live on. He held her and felt
her stroke his hair. He touch was weak and light but he cherished the feeling
know soon he would be alone never again to feel her touch on his body or in his
mind. No he could not bear that thought.
{Swear it} she demanded her voice no longer available and as easy to use.
Sarek stiffened and said in a low voice." I swear someday…Someday"
Amanda smiled and looked into her beloved eyes once more. She felt his lips
upon hers and she sighed softly as she gave him her last breath.
{I love you Sarek and I would not have changed a thing.}
Sarek felt her slipping away and he said the one thing she longed to hear. In
her mind he cried out.{I love you My wife now and
always}.
He held her as her last breath left her body and tears flowed without any
control. His cry of anguish could be heard throughout the house. How was he to go on without his heart and
soul?
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Three days latter the memorial service was held and T'Pau came to his side.
"I grieve with thee."
Sarek looked up and the tears were once more in his eyes and he did not even
try to check them. "Thank you."
T'Lar nodded. "Your tears do her honor and my son the cause is more then
sufficient. All of Vulcan grieves this day."
Sarek merely nodded and walked into the dessert for he had a deep need to
grieve alone. Even as his grief tore at him he caught the smell of a rose and
despite his grief he smiled. {I will always be with you}.
Amanda had promised and how he prayed it was true. She was his heart, soul and
he was lost without her.
Fini
Jane-
May you rest in peace and thank you for your gift of Lady Amanda and so many
other wonderful characters.
Lisa