Title: To Sleep, Perchance to Dream
Author: Ster Julie
Codes: AOS, S, Sa, Mc
Rating: PG
Part 1 of 1
Summary: Nightmares, or fear of them, keep Spock awake. The
survivors have found a solution.
(Author's WARNING: The new section is full of shameless plugs for older
stories of mine.)
From the Vulcan Language Dictionary:
yuk-tor to sleep
yuk-eshu'a nightmare
Rai no
sa-fu son
sa-mekh father
run-tor dream
muhl well
Ha'tha ti'lu Good
morning
k'diwa beloved
"--" denotes a change in memory/dream, Dream sections begin and end
with *
--ooOoo--
"You look like hell, Spock," a gentle voice observed.
"And good evening to you, too, Doctor McCoy," the Vulcan replied
tiredly.
McCoy gently took Spock by the elbow and led him to a relatively quiet corner of
the Mess Hall. "Have you gotten any
sleep since Nero?" the doctor asked quietly.
Spock shook his head and murmured, "Too many nightmares."
McCoy dared to rub his hand over Spock's back at that admission. "That's
not at all surprising." He moved Spock closer to the door, speaking
quietly. "Look, Spock," he began, "I've turned the
isolation ward into a dormitory for the other survivors. It's warm and
quiet. There are privacy shields up and the monitors are running on silent
mode. Those who come have been able to get some sleep, some real
sleep."
Spock turned tired eyes to the doctor's concerned face. The promise of
sleep was enticing. "But my
nightmares will disturb the others," Spock protested quietly.
"No they won't," McCoy promised. "In fact, you'll be in
good company. If anyone has a nightmare, my staff
is nearby, and the other survivors have begun to help each other
out." McCoy pitched his voice even lower. "And I have
some soporific drugs available if you need them." McCoy took the
swaying Vulcan's arm. "C'mon, Spock.
There's an empty bed waiting with your name on it – figuratively speaking, of
course. You need to get some rest. I don't want to lose any more of
your people."
Spock gazed at McCoy for several seconds, debating within himself
whether he should take the doctor up on his offer. The ship was limping
back to Earth after ejecting the warp core so they wouldn't get back to the
planet for several more days. There would be much work to do and many
debriefings to be made once they arrived. Spock knew he needed to be at
his best. "What time should I
arrive, Doctor?" he said at last.
McCoy nodded and smiled gently. "The others start arriving at
--
Spock entered the first cubicle. He noted the low drapery that separated
each sleeping area from the next yet did not obscure the monitor panels over
each bed. As silently as possible, he changed out of his uniform and into
the folded sleep garment he found on the bed. McCoy was true to his
word. The room was pleasantly warm and the lights were dim. There
was even a faint scent of incense. Spock crawled between the sheets and
fell fast asleep.
"Spohk-kam?"
Spock awoke with a start. Was that Sarek?
"Spohk-kam? Spohk-kam! Safu, rai! Rai!"
Spock got up from his bed and padded over to where his father was caught in a
night terror.
"Sa-mekh?" Spock
called.
"SPOHK-KAM!"
Spock caught his father's shoulders as the elder Vulcan bolted right out of
bed.
"Yuk-eshu'a, Sa-mekh,"
Spock soothed. "Yuk-eshu'a.
("It was a nightmare, Father, a nightmare.")
"Spohk-kam?" Sarek
breathed. "You put your ship on a collision course."
Spock nodded. "Nero had to be stopped," he said softly.
"But not by sacrificing your life!" Sarek accused.
Spock sighed. "The needs of the many..."
"Bah!" Sarek exploded. "I already lost your mother.
Must I lose you, too?" He grasped Spock's shoulders and drew him
into his arms. "You are all I have left of her. You were her
joy, Spock. You were the one who grew in her womb. Yours were the
cheeks she kissed, the hair she carded through her fingers. You were the
one she fought for and nurtured. She was so very proud of you, and she
loved you. You have to take care of yourself, Sa-fu. I know you
have duties, but please do not sacrifice your life. I cannot lose
you. It would be like losing her again."
Spock looked at his father for long moments. He thought again of his actions
against Nero. How fortunate for him that Kirk had ordered a beam out at
precisely the moment before the impact of the Jellyfish ship on Nero's
craft. No one was more surprised than Spock when he materialized on the
transporter pad.
"Nyota has taught me something that is very illogical yet nonetheless very
consoling," Spock murmured. "Our deceased family members live
on in our memories and our hearts. I know that Mother occupied so much of
your katra, Sa-mekh. She lives on as long as we
remember her."
"When I look at you," Sarek replied, "I see your mother, in your
coloring and dark eyes, in your strength and determination."
Spock lowered his head. "And I am reminded of my mother when I look
at you," he began, "because I know that yours is the face she loved,
yours are the arms that held her close, you are the one she loved with so much
passion that she left behind her own people and her own world to make a home
with you on alien soil."
Sarek brushed the backs of his fingers over the cheek of his oh-so-wise
son. Looking over Spock's shoulder Sarek espied Dr. McCoy hovering near
the entrance to his sleep cubicle. "I will need those drugs tonight
after all, Doctor," he said.
McCoy nodded and injected the elder Vulcan after he was settled back in his
bed.
Spock leaned over Sarek as he was drifting
off to slumber. "Yuk-tor muhl, Sa-mekh,"
he whispered softly. "Run-tor
muhl."
McCoy moved with Spock back to the Vulcan's own cubicle.
"This was Sarek's first attempt to sleep without the drugs," McCoy
explained. "Obviously he wasn't ready to forgo them. Can I
interest you in a dose?"
Spock sighed and settled himself on his cot. "I am surprised that
you are giving me a choice in the matter, Doctor," he teased
quietly.
McCoy thought about all the ways he could retaliate for that smart remark, like
shooting the hypo into Spock's butt, but he restrained himself. He
couldn't bring himself to tease Spock when the Vulcan was in such a state. "Sleep well," McCoy said after
unloading the hypo into Spock's shoulder. "Sweet dreams. I'll
go learn how to say 'Good morning' in Vulcan for you."
"Ha'tha ti'lu,"
Spock mumbled sleepily. "Ha'tha
ti'lu."
--
Sarek reached out and stroked his sleeping son's hair. Spock was still
asleep nearly fourteen hours after McCoy's injection, proving how exhausted the
younger Vulcan had been. Sarek suspected that the drugs had left Spock
hours ago and now his son was sleeping normally.
From the looks of Spock's eyes dancing beneath his lids, Sarek suspected that
Spock was having dream after dream. The younger Vulcan was curled on his
side, his face showing traces of all that he was experiencing.
*/Hunger. Hunger.
Hunger. Panic. Hunger. Lonely. Fear. Hunger!/
Spock let out a mournful wail.
"I'm right here, Mister Grumpy," she soothed. "Here's your
breakfast."
/Warm. Sweet. Suckle. Relief.
Comfort. Security.
Love./
"That's right, Baby," she murmured. "Eat up. Mama
loves you."
/Smile./*
Sarek dared to peek into his son's dream. He got an image of a very young
Amanda peering down with such affection.
He sighed mournfully. "Amanda, k'diwa."
--
*Amanda reached over and chucked her son gently beneath his chin.
"Show GranGran you toofies,"
she cooed softly to Spock.
Spock turned to T'Pau, wrinkled his nose and proudly displayed his gums in a
garish grin. There, poking from his gums, were the tiny points of two upper and
two lower teeth.
"Such an accomplishment!"
Spock cooed in agreement.*
Sarek remembered that day, the day he lost a stone from the clan breastplate to
his infant son who had insisted on teething on it.
--
*It was the first day of Mommy and Me classes at the
The other mothers raised disapproving eyebrows at the young oh-so-human mother
and her hybrid child. The instructor refused to begin until Spock was either
quieted or removed.
Amanda turned Spock in her arms until she was face-to-face with Spock, but he
squirmed and stretched until he could see the babies again.
"Baby," Amanda whispered desperately, "you have to be a good boy
now. Sit up for Mama."
Spock protested with a loud shriek, which startled the other babies into a
chorus of more acceptable whimpers. The other mothers calmed their children
almost instantly with a gentle caress across their little brows. Amanda wished
she could establish a telepathic link with Spock the way the other mothers
obviously had with their babies. It would make life so much easier for her, for
the whole family.*
Sarek was unfamiliar with this scene. He was surprised to see his own
mother present at the childcare center. He learned much about not only
Amanda but about his mother as well.
*"He is calm now," T'Pau whispered for Amanda's hearing only.
"He only wanted to examine his new surroundings."
"At times like these, I wish I was telepathic, too, T'Sai,"
Amanda whispered back.
T'Pau gazed on her grandson's young wife warmly. "It does not take
telepathy," she said quietly. "Spock is too young for that. Just
stroke his psi points to calm him."
Amanda was stunned. It was as simple as that. Any time Spock lost focus in the
games and lessons the instructor assigned, Amanda gently brushed her fingers
from Spock's left temple to his right. Immediately, Spock would focus on his
mother and continue with the assignment, whether it was to roll a ball back and
forth to Amanda, to pick up objects, to clap his hands, or various other
eye-hand coordination lessons.*
Sarek found it almost painful watching Spock relive so many memories of Amanda,
yet he also was grateful for seeing parts of Amanda's life he had missed.
--
*Young Spock watched Amanda with fascination. She was scurrying to and fro in
his nursery, carrying clothing, diapers, powder, lotion, shoes, brush, and all
sorts of paraphernalia and pushing it into a large suitcase.
"How can someone so small need so many things?" Amanda cooed to her
son.
Spock just kept staring at his mother curiously while sucking on his fingers.
The flurry of activity continued until the suitcase was unable to hold one more
thing. Not even a sheet of paper could be squeezed inside.
Spock's eyes grew wide with worry when the human tornado that was his mother
turned to him.
"Time to get you ready to go buh-bye!"
Amanda announced sweetly.
"Buh-bye?" Spock
repeated.
Amanda clapped her hands happily. "Yes, Baby, we're going buh-bye!" she confirmed. "We are going to see my
mommy and daddy."
Spock was confused. How could someone so big have a mommy and a daddy?
"Grammy and PapPap Grayson will be so surprised
to see how big you are now!" Amanda continued as she pulled off Spock's
sleepwear and proceeded to the bath. "Grammy and PapPap
haven't seen you since last winter when you were just a bitty baby."
Spock giggled as Amanda poured water on his head.
"You'll get to see the horsies and play with the
kitties and I'll bet Ol' Blue will let you ride on
his back," Amanda rambled as she dried Spock off.
"Uh-oh," Spock announced as he emitted a thin stream into the bath.
Amanda laughed. "Good thing we were finished!"
Spock was dried, diapered, dressed, and ready to go presently. Amanda sat her
son in the middle of her large bed.
"Now, you be good, Baby," she began. "Mama's got to get ready
now." Amanda removed her dressing gown and clothed herself quickly, having
taken care of her toilette before tending to Spock. Bent over, Amanda played
peek-a-boo with her son as she back brushed her long hair. With the speed of
practice, she had it twisted and piled into an acceptable Vulcan style in
record time.*
--
Sarek recognized the next dream. It was during one of their rare
vacations, this time at the coast south of the Embassy in
*Amanda suddenly noticed something about the shells. When turned upside down,
they nearly matched the shape of her son's delicately pointed ears.
"Spock," Amanda said playfully, holding both shells up to her ears.
"Do I look more Vulcan now?"
Spock looked from side to side in amazement. His mother's ears now looked more
like his!
Amanda picked her son up at the waist and swung him in a circle until he began
to giggle with all his might. Amanda put Spock down and he ran from her right
into the flock of sea gulls. The startled birds flew off in all directions.
Spock tried to pluck them out of the sky, but to no avail. Amanda picked him up
over her head and settled him on her shoulders. Holding her son's arms out, she
swooped and dipped from side to side, giving Spock the illusion that he was
flying, just like one of the birds. She carried Spock like this all the way
back to the bungalow.
--
Because of the nature of his work Sarek had missed so much of his son's
development. In a way, Spock had interacted with Amanda more than Sarek
had, in his estimation. No, Sarek thought, not more,
just in different ways.
Sarek had known Amanda first as a colleague, then as a friend and finally as
his wife. Through the way she interacted with Spock, Sarek had observed
that Amanda was a good mother. Now, through his son's dream-memories, he
knew it first-hand.
*Passing the great faux-glass windows at the front of the building, Amanda
caught a reflection of herself being pulled into the daycare center by a very
small and eager son. She laughed inwardly at the comical sight of her bright
blue gown (Spock's favorite) flapping behind her as
she was rushed into the school.
"Please hurry, Mommy," Spock urged. "We are late already."
"We are not late, Baby," she cooed as she came to a stop in front of
the door. '''Open House' means that the doors will be
unlocked during a specific time and that we may come and go as we please.
We are not late."
Spock couldn't grasp the idea. Vulcan doors were never locked and if an event was
supposed to start at a certain time, all participants were expected to be there
from the beginning. Spock dragged open the door and said, "C'mon,
Mommy!"
Amanda shook her head ruefully and entered the daycare center with her zealous
son.*
--
Sarek suppressed a smile at the next dream-memory. He had learned the
importance of "Show and Tell" that day.
*Spock stood and bowed.
"Thank you for coming to my recital," he announced. "Today you
will hear selections by T'Cara, Sendelin,
Brahams, and variations on some nursery rhymes."
It was the same speech he had given at his last recital on Vulcan. As he re-seated
himself, a look of concentration came over Spock's face as he settled the harp
in his lap and on his shoulder.
Spock's fingers flew and danced over the strings. Amanda smiled through proud
tears as her son's tongue appeared between his lips at a particularly difficult
passage. At his earlier recital, Spock had faltered on the tempo, but this
time, as Sarek noted with satisfaction, Spock kept a steady beat.*
--
Sarek was familiar with Amanda's antics when it came to St. Patrick's
Day. He permitted that small smile as Spock remembered his mother
speaking with a wee bit o' the brogue.
*"Have you ever seen a leprechaun, Mother?"
"Indeed I have!"
"Really?"
"In fact, one sweet leprechaun boy came to live with me six years
ago."
"He did? What did he look like?"
"Oh, he had a cap of shiny brown hair, and big brown eyes the color of
melted chocolate. His skin was a pale green and he had the cutest little
pointed ears."
"Mother! You just described me."
"Did I now? Well then, my little leprechaun, since I have me eye on you,
you will have to give me some of your gold."
"I have no gold, Mother."
"Ah, but you do."
"I do?"
"Aye! You have a treasure of beautiful smiles that make me very
happy."
"But Father says that Vulcans do not smile."
"That is true, but you are human as well. How can we make a
compromise?"
"Perhaps I can smile for you on occasion, when Father is not home."
"That would be satisfactory."
"When would you want me to smile for you?"
"Tell you what, me boy. You may smile for me on my birthday, and on one
other day per year of your own choosing. How is that?"
"That is satisfactory. Do you wish to have you first smile now?"
"Oh, aye. You owe me a smile for I still have me eye upon you… Oh, Spock! The sun just rose
on your face fer sure, my son. Thank you."
"You are welcome, Mother, but the sun did not rise on my face. It would
have burned me up."
"Silly boy! I mean that the smile brought a brightness
to your face."*
--
Sarek openly stroked Spock's hair now as he seem to move into a more painful
dream. In fact, Sarek considered waking his son up before discarding the
idea. Spock had been so very tired and he needed his sleep.
*Amanda felt a warm touch on her hand. She opened her eyes and looked at her
son's bruised, unhappy face.
"Spock?" she asked. "What's wrong?"
"My face hurts," he mumbled back.
"I'm sure it does," she said as she opened her arms. Spock scrambled
to her side and pillowed his abused cheek carefully against his mother's
breast. Amanda carded through the heavy, ebony silk of his hair as she felt him
get comfortable.
"I can give you more pain medication," she suggested. Spock shook his
head.
"It makes me sick," the boy admitted. She felt him squeeze her
gently, as if she was fragile porcelain.
"Couldn't I just stay here with you?" he said softly.*
--
The scene shifted again, this time to a most difficult leave-taking.
*"Spock! Wait!" a woman's melodious voice
called. Spock turned back to see his mother Amanda tear a length of ribbon from
her clothing. She knew these robes were Spock's favorite
garments on her. "Take this with you," she said tearfully. "Know
that I am always with you." Spock took the ribbon from her hands,
lingering his fingers on hers.
"I know, Mother," he said gently before turning to board the shuttle
for Earth that would take him to
"Take this, too," she said pushing a holoframe
into his hands.
Spock pushed the button and saw himself on this Bonding day so many years
earlier. He was flanked by a regal, doting Sarek and a smiling, proud Amanda.
Amanda tapped the image of Sarek. "Remember your father this way,
Spock," she said as tears filled her eyes. "Don't remember the way he
was today."*
--
Sarek lowered his head to the bed. He remembered the sharp exchange he
and Spock had that day, and later the one he had with Amanda, an argument so
bitter and contentious that she had nearly left him, too. Sarek was so
conflicted. Never before had being right been so very
wrong.
He supposed he fell asleep for a moment. The next thing he knew, someone
was stroking his hair gently.
"Amanda?" he murmured.
"No, Father," Spock replied quietly. "It is I."
"She was here," Sarek stated with conviction, "in your
dreams."
"Yes," Spock answered. "She will always live in my
memories and in my dreams, just as Nyota said."
Sarek studied Spock closely. The long rest and the reliving of so many
dreams had done his son a world of good. His eyes looked less
haunted. Sarek wondered how he appeared to Spock. Did looked as
peaceful? as rested? Perhaps sharing their
dreams was the key to healing for this great and terrible loss that nearly
swallowed them both.
Sarek considered this Nyota Uhura. He had seen the woman on the bridge,
had interacted briefly with her over the last few days. She had a strong
spirit and was esthetically pleasing besides. Amanda
would have called her "a lovely woman, inside and out."
Sarek agreed wholeheartedly.
"Your Nyota is a very wise woman," he commented to his son,
"very much like your mother."
"Indeed she is," Spock agreed.
"Will I be welcoming her into the clan soon, my son?" Sarek inquired.
"If she will have me. You tacitly gave me
permission to love her, Father," Spock reminded, "when you told me of
your feelings for Mother." He permitted himself a small copy of the
smile he gave his mother in a dream.
Dreams, Sarek mused. Their recent life had been nothing but nightmares,
but those were merely clouds that shrouded the lifetime of pleasant memories
that came before. Sarek knew that he and Spock and all the surviving
Vulcans would need to learn from their past, release what they could not change
and emulate the good they remembered. To survive as a people they would
have to survive first as individuals. They could not survive if they
continued to cling to the nightmares. Together they would have to dream
of the new life they would create together.
-END STORY-