Title: We Grieve Together
Author: Ster Julie
Series: TOS
Codes: Sa, Am; angst; Time to Say Goodbye
Quartet
Rating: PG
Part 1 of 1
Summary: Sarek and Amanda come together over the death of Spock.
A/N: Partner story to Fledgling and Morning Mists; this story keeps
getting bigger and bigger...
--ooOoo--
Sarek was still trembling when he arrived at the gates to his home. He
had thrown up shields around his bond with Amanda, protecting her from the
shock of the sudden loss of their son. But now, now there would be no pretense, no protection. Sarek would have to tell his
beloved Amanda that the child she risked her life to bear, their only child,
she son she loved with a fierce devotion, the delight of her heart, lived no
more.
Sarek got no further than the shrine of the ancestors at the front
entrance. His hand had automatically reached for a grain of incense to
add to the brazier to honor those who had gone
before, when he paused. He deliberately picked up a full pinch and placed
it on the coals in honor of his lost son.
Scooping the fragrant smoke toward him three times, Sarek then covered his
face, thus honoring the memory of Spock.
-*-
Amanda had moved from her bed to a storage closet. She pulled down a
sealed carton and removed some of the tiny clothing inside. Amanda took a
deep sniff of each item, then put it aside carefully and took out a new
one. To a stranger, Amanda's action would appear to be outrageous, but
she was remembering the sweet-smelling babe in these very clothes.
Amanda's heart was full of emotions, but the greatest of these was
gratitude. Spock's visitation as she walked that nebulous space between
sleep and wakefulness – dream or not, real or not – was a great gift and
consolation to her. She had seen her beautiful boy, held him close once
more, and told him goodbye. Yes, there were tears of sorrow and loss, but
Amanda couldn't keep from smiling. There would be no regrets.
Amanda's thoughts turned suddenly to Sarek. Surely, he would have felt
the paternal bond snap at Spock's passing, and certainly he would have come
home immediately, or at the very least, called her by now. Amanda moved
down the stairs toward the front entrance. There she could both watch for
Sarek's aircar and listen for the comm
system.
-*-
Sarek had sunk to his knees before the shrine. He was lost in a flood of
memories of Spock:
-The warm weight of him as Sarek held his son in his arms for the first time;
-Spock's first baby steps into Sarek's outstretched arms;
-Watching Spock write his name in Golic runes for the
first time;
-Giving Spock his first lessons in logic, in computers, in science, in playing
the lyrette, in what it meant to be a Vulcan;
-Watching Spock walk out of the Forge at the successful completion of his kahs'wan and delivering him for his bonding ceremony to
T'Pring;
-Dealing with Sybok's influence on Spock;
-Helping Spock thorough a premature Awakening, and taking him to the reldai to deal
with it;
-Losing Spock to Starfleet;
-Regaining his son, and his very life, aboard the Enterprise;
-Returning Spock to his ship and his former life when he failed at attaining
Kolinahr.
On and on the memories came as Sarek sat before the shrine, his face
covered. He saw nothing but the face of his son, he heard nothing but the
sound of his child's voice asking questions, relating what he had learned,
giving his opinions, greeting him at first light and bidding him a peaceful
sleep at day's end.
Peaceful rest, my son,
until we greet one another Otherside.
-*-
Amanda knew Sarek was home by the heady scent of incense at the front
entrance. When she espied his form crumpled in front of the shrine, she
thought he had collapsed and she barely restrained herself from rushing to his
side. If Sarek had the presence of mind to use the incense, then she knew
he was merely performing the death ritual. When she thought he had spent
enough time on his knees, she slipped quietly to his side to share the grief
that rang like a death knell along their bond.
-*-
With his face buried in his hands, Sarek was not aware of his wife's presence
until he felt her drape an arm over his bowed shoulders. Expecting
unabashed grief and weeping, Sarek was unprepared to see the worry and love in
Amanda's eyes.
"How is it that you know?" Sarek whispered as he slipped his arms
around his wife.
Amanda smiled through her tears. "Spock
came to tell me goodbye."
Sarek sat back, looking deeply into Amanda's eyes, concerned for his wife's
sanity.
"I'm not crazy, Sarek," she
insisted. "He came to me, he did, and he said, 'I have come to say
farewell.' Each time he said it, he was younger and younger until I held
my baby in my arms. Oh, Sarek, he smelled of cinnamon and warm milk, just
like he did when he was a baby! I had to take out his baby clothes and smell
them to be sure."
Now Sarek was certain that his wife was mad with grief.
Amanda saw the look in her husband's eyes
and presented the side of her face to him.
"Meld with me, if you don't believe me," she insisted.
Sarek raised his fingers to Amanda's face but did not put them in the proper
place for a meld. Instead his caressed her cheek with a tremulous hand. "He's gone," Sarek rasped.
"I know," Amanda whispered.
Sarek raised his head suddenly. "Do we?" he asked.
"What do we know for certain? Has anyone contacted us to give the
official word?" Sarek got to his feet and began pacing in the small
space. "Perhaps there is another explanation."
It was Amanda's turn to question her husband's mental health, but before she
could ask him anything further, the sound of an aircar
was heard approaching their front gate.
Sarek helped Amanda to her feet and the two walked outside to greet their
visitor.
Sarek nearly collapsed when he saw none other than T'Pau approaching him,
carrying a neatly folded mourning cloak over one arm. She sat under the
great tree in courtyard, draped the cloak over her knees and beckoned them
closer with a gesture.
Sarek had to force himself to walk over to the matriarch and kneel with Amanda
before her.
"I grieve with thee," the aged woman said in her accented speech.
Sarek had to grope for Amanda's hands for support as he murmured, "We
grieve together."
T'Pau shook out the russet morning cloak and draped it over Sarek's shoulders,
drawing up the hood. There was no denying it now. Spock truly was
dead.
"Not my boy," Sarek pleaded in whispers, "not…
not my son."
"What happened, T'sai?"
Amanda asked gently.
T'Pau turned gentle eyes to the grieving mother. "Thy son gave his
life to save the lives of his crew," she said quietly. "I
cannot give thee specifics, as the circumstances are wrapped in silence."
Amanda nodded in understanding. Being the wife of an ambassador, she was
familiar with the need of secrecy. "When will they be returning his
body to us, his katra?" she
asked further.
T'Pau's eyes flashed indignantly. "The body of thy son was buried in
space," she hissed.
Sarek drew himself up, his eyes burning beneath his hood.
"Barbaric!" he proclaimed. "What of Spock's katra?" he asked.
T'Pau's piercing gaze conveyed to Sarek what his next steps would be. "No word," she uttered, her tone
condemning all those who would ignore cultural traditions.
"Where is the
"Earth," T'Pau responded.
Sarek came to a decision. He turned to Amanda and said, "My wife,
you will stay here on Vulcan and make the final preparations with the help of T'sai T'Pau."
"Where will you go?" Amanda asked worriedly.
"I will go to Earth and demand answers," Sarek said with fiery
determination. "I will seek our son's katra." He paused to take a shuddering, calming
breath. "I will bring Spock home, Amanda, and we will both have our
farewells."
Amanda nodded. She reached into the hood that blocked a casual passerby from glimpsing the naked grief on a mourner's
face, and she traced her fingers through the hair around Sarek's ears. "Success," she murmured.
"Go in peace, my husband."
Sarek took her hands and held them to his own forehead. Once again,
Amanda had shown herself to be a pillar of strength in crisis and he drew upon
that strength to get him through a most difficult trek.
I cherish thee, he whispered through
their bond.
"I know," she responded aloud.
Sarek helped T'Pau to her feet and moved with her to the waiting aircar. He turned back for one last glimpse of his
grieving wife. She looked so small and lost in the great courtyard.
I will bring Spock back, Amanda, he
sent to her, one way or another, I will
bring him back.
End